This past weekend, the U.S. marked the 20th anniversary of the attacks of September 11, which took the lives of almost 3,000 people and plunged the U.S. into two decades of warfare. And on this coming Tuesday, September 21, nations around the world will celebrate the U.N.-sanctioned International Day of Peace, which calls for a nonviolent day of strengthening and promoting the ideal of peace, including a ceasefire during any local conflicts. Physician and educator Maria Montessori had quite a lot to say about peace education. She believed that “Averting war is the work of politicians; establishing peace is the work of the educator.” But there is one other place that the education toward peace begins, and that is in the home.

Do you ever feel like no one in your family ever listens to you? It takes five tries for your kids to hear your request to come to dinner, and your spouse doesn’t remember being told that this Saturday is the cookout at the neighbors’ house. Heck, even the family dog just looks at you when you tell her to get off the couch.

It’s frustrating, right? Perhaps more than anything else, human beings want to be heard, because when people listen to us, we feel valued. But so often, we expect to be listened to without bothering to first listen. How do we reverse these negative patterns, and welcome in the kind of connection to our family that we so desperately crave?

Pew Research Center surveys find that Americans aged 25-35 are more likely to be living with Mom and Dad today than they were in previous generations. This is not in itself bad, but other research indicates that “emerging adults” (ages 18-25) also consume mental health services more than other groups, and struggle with more mood disorders and higher rates of anxiety and substance abuse. Something about the path to adulthood is proving difficult for young Americans.

You’re probably already creating a family legacy, without even realizing it. Have you told your kids where their grandparents met? Or the origins of their last name? Or about the job you held right out of school? These are all important components of family storytelling. FamilyWorks has a whole set of resources devoted to identifying, crafting, and then passing on your unique family stories, but a few tips can help you get started.

Families have to lay the groundwork of healthy relationships before they can achieve their maximum potential; they have to address the five dysfunctions. So what are those dysfunctions? Lencioni identifies them as: 1) absence of trust; 2) fear of conflict; 3) lack of commitment; 4) avoidance of accountability; and 5) inattention to results. Let’s take them one by one.

Managing conflict is one of the keys to healthy relationships, and yet, your very brain often works against handling it well. When you become emotional, your cerebral cortex, the upper part of the brain responsible for self-control, rational thought, and moral reasoning, shuts down, and the midbrain, which controls your fight or flight response, kicks into action. You say and do things that you later regret, because your brain and body literally can’t handle the kind of intricate emotional and mental complexity that comes with solving an interpersonal problem.

Human beings crave connection—love and being loved, understanding and being understood—and the way that we connect with one another is called “communication.” But so often we don’t communicate in ways that lead to connection. We communicate thoughtlessly, haphazardly, selfishly, or in other ways that cause hurt instead of healing.

Chances are, your family can already count many, many other families as “friends” or at least “acquaintances.” You’ve got a group of friends you’ve known since high school, who now have kids of their own, and maybe you get together once or twice a year; a group of fellow soccer or football or hockey parent friends; the families of your kids’ school classmates; maybe some in your church, or that you met while volunteering together, or at work, or who live next door. Many of these people may very well share your values—that’s why you’re friends in the first place. Like-minded people tend to find each other. You feel comfortable with them, and you know you can open up to them. These people have been there for you, and they’re crucial. But if you’re serious about achieving your family’s goals, you may want to consider actively seeking out families that share similar goals with which to share your journey.

Decades of research into parenting have demonstrated that authoritative parents—versus authoritarian or permissive—end up raising the most successful children. Authoritative parents are those who set limits, but use lots of love, kindness, respect, warmth, and communication in upholding those limits. Children raised in authoritative homes tend to become more autonomous, self-reliant, self-disciplined, and academically and socially successful. They are taught to be in touch with their emotions, to have a healthy respect for natural boundaries, and to take charge of their own behavior. Perhaps the most well respected source on authoritative parenting is Positive Discipline, by Dr. Jane Nelsen.