Connection: A Positive Parenting Approach

Do you ever feel like no one in your family ever listens to you? It takes five tries for your kids to hear your request to come to dinner, and your spouse doesn’t remember being told that this Saturday is the cookout at the neighbors’ house. Heck, even the family dog just looks at you when you tell her to get off the couch.

It’s frustrating, right? Perhaps more than anything else, human beings want to be heard, because when people listen to us, we feel valued. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Steven Covey writes, “The deepest hunger of the human heart is to be understood, for understanding implicitly affirms, validates, recognizes, and appreciates the intrinsic worth of another.”

But so often, we expect to be listened to without bothering to first listen. We issue commands instead of inviting responses; we throw out verbal firebombs when our loved one really needs our understanding. We react out of fear and insecurity, desperately craving connection with those around us and afraid of being alone, rather than offering that connection first. 

So how do we reverse these negative patterns, and welcome in the kind of connection to our family that we so desperately crave? One way to connect better with all members of our family is to take some tips from Positive Parenting, a unique approach to discipline that focuses on promoting connection instead of punishment. Below are three principles to get you started on really connecting with your spouse and children alike.

“Do as I say” exercise.

Have you ever played “Simon Says”? One person, designated “Simon,” pats his head in front of a group of people, saying “Simon says pat your head.” Next, he moves to tapping his toes, and says “Now tap your toes. . . . Oops! I didn’t say Simon Says!” The non-astute player will begin to tap his toes, because that’s what Simon is doing, even if Simon didn’t tell him to. Similarly, in the “do as I say” exercise, a positive discipline coach tells participants to “do as she says,” and then tries to get participants to instead do as she does. She may say “Put your finger on your chin,” while instead putting her own finger on her cheek. Guess what happens? About half of the participants do as she does, instead of what she says. 

We do this in families, too. We tell our kids, for example, to speak kindly, yet they hear us complaining about our boss or coworkers. We demand they treat us respectfully, yet we criticize and nag them. We insist that our spouse give us undivided attention when we’re talking, and yet can’t be bothered to put down the phone when they walk in the door at the end of the day. The first step toward connecting with your family is to figure out how you want to be treated, and then treat others like that. 

Asking versus telling.

In families, we tend to issue orders. We tell our kids to pick up their room, nag them to get out the door on time, and maybe even lose our tempers at sibling fights. But when you say things like, “This place is such a mess!” or “Why are you always arguing with your brother?” or “You need to remember your backpack this time,” what your kids are hearing is, “I am a problem to my parents.” Instead of telling kids what to do, invite them into the process of figuring it out for themselves. Instead of “We need to leave here in 10 minutes!” try “Sweetie, what do you need to do to be ready to leave in ten minutes?” Instead of reminding your spouse, “Remember how you forgot to pick up the kids from soccer last week? You’re on tonight, buddy! Don’t forget!” try “Hey, I know last week pick-up didn’t go as expected. Is there anything I can do to help you this week?” Your family members will rise or fall to your expectations. Show them you expect the best of them, because you believe the best about them.

Practice empathy in your communication.

In other words, try to really get into the shoes of the person you’re talking to, and don’t assume you understand where they’re coming from. Key to empathetic communication is the skill of active listening. Listen carefully, not half-heartedly, and don’t judge what’s being said. Then summarize what you believe the person said back to him or her—you may have gotten it wrong! Next, work on figuring out a solution together. Ask more questions instead of giving the answer; give your opinion if asked, but encourage the person you’re talking with to figure out the problem first. 

If you’re craving connection from your family, the first place to start is to offer that connection. Make your home a safe place, full of love and affirmation, by practicing some of the skills of Positive Parenting. Adults and kids alike respond better to questions, kindness, and empathy.