Manage Conflict Like a Pro
Managing conflict is one of the keys to healthy relationships, and yet, your very brain often works against handling it well.
When you become emotional, your cerebral cortex, the upper part of the brain responsible for self-control, rational thought, and moral reasoning, shuts down, and the midbrain, which controls your fight or flight response, kicks into action. You say and do things that you later regret, because your brain and body literally can’t handle the kind of intricate emotional and mental complexity that comes with solving an interpersonal problem. It shouldn’t be surprising that this kind of conversation terrifies most people. But avoiding conflict is harmful.
Researchers Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman devoted hundreds of hours to observing couples in conflict. They were able to predict 90% of divorces simply by observing how a couple handles conflict. How you manage conflict even affects physical health. One study, cited by the authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, found that decades of marital arguing (vs. constructive conflict) substantially weakened the immune system of the couples involved. Another study even found that individuals diagnosed with malignant melanoma had a significantly lower chance of dying (9% compared to 30%) when placed into therapeutic groups aimed at improving specific communication skills.
In other words, how you handle conflict can be a literal killer in your family.
Instead, take charge of your brain. Recognize the physiological signs - sweaty palms, elevated heart rate, tensed muscles, stiffened jaw - and know that you need a break. Tell the other person involved in the conflict, “I’m sorry, honey, but I am about to lose it, and I need 10 minutes to get myself back together so I don’t say something hurtful that I don’t mean.” Then, go for a walk, breathe deeply, get a cup of coffee, or do whatever it takes to calm yourself down. Form a plan while you’re calming down as to how and when you will re-engage.
Given the research showing that poor conflict management can kill your relationship and even your body, learning how to better manage conflict in your family is well worth the work. Eventually, you may come to view healthy conflict for what it is - an incredible opportunity to grow together and to appreciate each other more.
*For more research-backed tips on managing conflict, download the Create Connection Toolkit. FamilyWorks Members have instant access to the Toolkit, which includes tools and resources in these three areas:
Communicate to Create Connection
Managing Conflict Like a Pro
Family Teamwork