Communicate to Create Connection

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, wrote that “The deepest hunger of the human heart is to be understood, for understanding implicitly affirms, validates, recognizes, and appreciates the intrinsic worth of another.” 

Human beings crave connection—loving and being loved, understanding and being understood.

But so often we don’t communicate in ways that lead to connection. We communicate thoughtlessly, haphazardly, selfishly, or in other ways that cause hurt instead of healing. We may put a bit more effort into communicating well at work, where we have to be more guarded and where our input matters to our personal advancement. But with our family, the people most important to us, we fail to be intentional.

The problem is that poor communication tears down those we love the most. Imagine coming home from work, exhausted and overwhelmed with such new procedures your boss is trying to implement. You’ve felt excluded from important conversations all day, frustrated by what you see as a “top-down” approach that you will have to implement even though you disagree with it, and are now looking forward to simply venting to someone who loves you and has your back more than anyone at work does - your partner. You walk in the door, throw your bag in the chair, and start with, “Wow, what a day.” And instead of asking more, your partner, still staring at the TV, chimes in, “Yeah, me too. First, Angie didn’t hold up her end of the bargain and finish the assignment she was supposed to finish. Then . . . ”

The wind would be completely taken out of your sails, right? You’d feel even more dejected, alone, and misunderstood. And chances are your partner wasn’t trying to hurt you. He or she simply wasn’t paying attention. 

At its most basic level, communication is an exchange of information. It’s how we relay love, affection, humor, forgiveness, and healing, but also anger, disappointment, or hurt. And we do most of it without even thinking - a smile, a smirk, a pat on the arm.  

But communication can quite literally shape a culture. Consider the French word “le goûter,” meaning the large snack that the French, or French children, have in the late afternoon. It is also the only snack that is culturally acceptable, because the French don’t snack. So “le goûter” becomes something of an event. How you communicate - the words you use, looks you give, what you say and don’t say - can change your family’s culture in the same way that “le goûter” shapes the French culture.

Transforming your family’s culture can be as simple as tweaking your communication style. Little changes can have a big impact - and with so much at stake, they are well worth the effort.