Peace Starts at Home

This past weekend, the U.S. marked the 20th anniversary of the attacks of September 11, which took the lives of almost 3,000 people and plunged the U.S. into two decades of warfare. And on this coming Tuesday, September 21, nations around the world will celebrate the U.N.-sanctioned International Day of Peace, which calls for a nonviolent day of strengthening and promoting the ideal of peace, including a ceasefire during any local conflicts. 

The juxtaposition of these two events could not be more startling. On one hand, we recognize the tremendous loss of life that occurred during one of the worst attacks in the history of the world. And then, just a short ten days later, we somehow celebrate the idea of peace. How have we, as a society, failed at peacemaking so very, very badly? And how might we do better?

Physician and educator Maria Montessori had quite a lot to say about peace education. She believed that “Averting war is the work of politicians; establishing peace is the work of the educator.” In other words, we cannot demand peaceful behavior of adults who had not been educated toward peace as children. 

But there is one other place that the education toward peace begins, and that is in the home. Before they go to school in the morning, children have already interacted with the most important people in their lives—their families. These interactions can be conflict-ridden, disrespectful, unpleasant to parent and child alike, and set the stage for a series of negative interactions at school. Or they can be respectful, kind, connecting—peaceful. 

There are three ways in which your family can educate toward peace at home, so that you can all promote peace around you in the world. 

First, think about how to incorporate Positive Discipline in your home.

While the goal of punishment is to get short-term cooperation, the goal of Positive Discipline is to raise autonomous children who feel respected, valued, and connected to their families. Positive Discipline is both kind and firm, and it appreciates the child’s innate desire for belonging and significance. (For more tips on Positive Discipline, click here.) To get things started, simply focus on speaking to your child respectfully—even when he or she is being disrespectful. Establishing a culture of respect in your home goes a long way toward creating adults who respect the voices of others.

Second, work on your family’s conflict management skills.

Researchers Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman devoted hundreds of hours to observing couples in conflict. They were able to predict 90% of divorces simply by observing how a couple handles conflict. There are lots of resources available on how to manage conflict more positively, but the first step may be simply to recognize when you’re not in control of your emotions. When you become emotional, your cerebral cortex, the upper part of the brain responsible for self-control, rational thought, and moral reasoning, shuts down, and the midbrain, which controls your fight or flight response, kicks into action. Your body is prepping for battle; but your family craves peace, connection, and resolution. So know the signs you should step away—sweaty palms, an elevated heart rate, a queasy stomach, and more. Resume the discussion when you have calmed down. Lots of negative conflicts can be avoided with that simple step.

And lastly, build on your family’s sense of teamwork.

Just like a team of nations, and just like a team of coworkers, the family needs to work on its ability to operate together. Award-winning sports teams spend thousands of hours practicing their individual skills, analyzing the game, and learning about their teammates’ abilities and talents. Family teams are no different. They have to consciously practice the “soft skills” that make for a good family life. They have to meet together and talk about where they want to go as a family, then work together toward those common goals. And they should recognize and value the talents and abilities of individual family members. That last one is a particularly good and easy place to start working on family teamwork. When you’re cooking, include your kids in meal prep in ways that make sense to their abilities and interests. If you have a child who is particularly creative, have him or her design your family’s Christmas card this year. Think of ways to include and use the individual gifts of your family members.

Establishing a more peaceful world might seem like a job for the U.N., but it’s really something that begins in infancy, in young childhood, and in the home and schools. Work on educating your children toward peace in the home, in your family interactions. Only then will we have adults capable of working toward peace on a global scale.