Stress-Proofing Your Family

In her groundbreaking book Stress-Proof: The Scientific Solution to Protect Your Brain and Body—and Be More Resilient Every Day, Dr. Mithu Storoni argues that the brain, just like the rest of the body, requires intentional care to thrive. Storoni tells the story of a time in her life when she was facing a lot of academic stress and developed an autoimmune condition, which worsened with increasing stress. Then, she took up hot yoga. At the time, she was also studying pupillometry, the study of the eye’s pupil. Storoni discovered that after a few months of hot yoga, her baseline pupil measurements began to change—suggesting to her the possibility of a change in her body’s baseline sympathetic nervous system activity. In other words, the part of her body that dealt with stress was handling it better. And her autoimmune condition began to improve, too, finally disappearing altogether. Storoni summarized, “It became apparent to me that it wasn’t so much the power of the mind, as the power of looking after the mind that seemed to be the protagonist.” When her brain was cared for, she was able to respond to stressful input better.

Stress, as decades of research have now shown, is a significant contributor to illness. As Dan Buettner, founder of the Blue Zones project, summarizes, “Stress leads to chronic inflammation, associated with every major age-related disease.” To maintain your family’s physical health and optimal functioning, you need to face the problem of stress head-on. Your family needs to care for the mind just as it cares for the body. Storoni offers a battery of small tips, including when and what to eat, how to exercise, how much sunlight to enjoy, and others. Buettner recommends something simpler. In the populations of centenarians—those who reach 100 years of age or older—that he studied, he noticed deliberate mechanisms for “downshifting.” To control stress, these individuals built in intentional, regular time for relaxation. For some, that meant a daily happy hour with friends; for others, an afternoon nap; and for others still, a weekly Sabbath to attend religious services and spend time with family and friends.

In America, families tout their busyness and stress levels as signs that they’re succeeding. We idolize professionals who spend every daylight hour in the office, and feel like we’re not measuring up as parents unless our kids are studying music, art, and foreign languages, and also thriving socially and performing at top levels in their after-school soccer games or swimming meets. If we’re not busy, we seem to think, we’re failing. But our bodies betray our stress levels—even when we think we’re holding up just fine. Physical symptoms like digestive issues, constant headaches, muscle soreness, brain fogginess, and difficulty in decision-making can all be signs that we’re dealing with too much stress.

One of the best things we can do for our health is build in intentional, regular downtime. In The Secrets of Happy Families, one of Bruce Feiler’s three rules for families is to “Go Out and Play”—vacation, games, whatever it may be. Vacationing or otherwise “playing” together relieves family stress and also promotes connection and helps us create amazing, bonding memories. But daily and weekly time to rest is also important. Below are a few tips for ways to downshift and better stress-proof your family:

1) A Daily Recharge

Build in time every day for your family, together, to simply enjoy each other. Put away the laptop, set down your phone, and simply be present. A daily meal together is one way to do this, but if you can’t manage that much time, try just 15-20 minutes before bed to reconnect. Talk about your day; have a snack together; take a walk; sit on the porch. Whatever you need to do to simply unwind a bit, together.

2) A Weekly Reset

In The Blue Zones, Buettner praises the Seventh Day Adventist community he studied for their ability to set aside one whole day to rest, play, and enjoy time together. Christians and other religious communities designate this the “Sabbath,” but a Sabbath can also be helpful if you’re non-religious. Too often, the American weekend is just as rushed as the American workday, a struggle to fit in social time, sports games, chores, or other activities before resuming the weekday grind. Be deliberate about one day a week being “family day,” a day you spend together doing something you enjoy. This can still be a chore or a sports activity, but do something to make it restful. After Jimmy’s soccer practice, go home, eat lunch together, and take some time in the afternoon to play a board game or just hang out. Rake the leaves together, but then enjoy some time jumping in them. Pull out the s’mores ingredients while you’re at it.

3) Individual and Together Time.

You need time together, but you also need some time apart. How much time and how often will likely vary depending upon personality. For adults, alone time gives the brain a chance to “reboot,” improves concentration and problem-solving, increases productivity, and increases the sense of control and balance in one’s life. For kids, unstructured “free play” together improves imagination, confidence, social skills, emotional regulation, decision-making ability, and school readiness. But building in some “alone time” for your kids is helpful, too. When they get home from school, give them a snack, and then send them to their rooms or another designated spot for 20-30 minutes alone playing or reading. They will emerge refreshed, and readier than ever to play (nicely) with their friends or siblings.

Whatever the mechanism you choose, remember that to function well, your family needs time to recharge. Hobbies, alone time, together time, and intentional downshifting are all key components to combatting stress and allowing you to effectively run your family’s life, instead of allowing it to run you.