Find Your Family’s Why

In 2009, leadership expert Simon Sinek gave a revolutionary Ted Talk entitled “How Great Leaders Inspire Action.” The talk has since become the third-most watched Ted Talk of all time (with over 56 million views), and it also became the foundation for the 2011 book Start with Why and the 2017 follow-up, Find Your Why.

Sinek’s revolutionary concept was the idea of the “golden circle,” or rather three concentric circles. On the outside layer is the “what,” the middle circle is the “how,” and the inside circle is the “why.” Great leaders, great organizations, and great individuals understand their “why,” and the difference is profound.

He gives the example of Apple. Apple is known for its incredible innovation, and yet, they have access to the same people, same ideas, and same capital that all computer companies have access to. So what makes Apple so different? If Apple operated like every other computer company, Sinek says, their marketing message would sound like this: “We make great computers. They’re beautifully designed, simple to use, and user friendly. Want to buy one?” That’s the “outside-in” message. But Apple doesn’t do that. They start with the why, and their marketing goes more like this: “Everything we do, we believe in challenging the status quo. We believe in thinking differently. The way we challenge the status quo is by making our products beautifully designed, simple to use, and user friendly. We just happen to make great computers. Want to buy one?” 

Sinek’s examples are all from the business world, but his principles apply just as much to families. Families, too, are an organization that needs a shared sense of purpose—a “why.” They need to understand and buy into who the family is, so they can work together as a team to accomplish their goals and realize their dreams. They need a vision, something to motivate them and to work toward.

Your family purpose answers the question:  “Why do we as a family exist?”

This may seem like a huge and overwhelming question to answer, but it’s really not. Chances are, you already kind of know the answer. You know what your family feels passionately about, and you probably know something about what you’re collectively good at. Now, you just need to formalize those gut feelings into words, and the best way to do that is to ponder two related questions.

First, who are you as a family? 

This encompasses your values, but it’s more than that. What are your talents or gifts? What are the individual or shared experiences that really shape your family identity? Why is your family important? What problem do you solve for the world, and for others? These are the questions that will get you to really wrestle with who your family is. For example, if your family tends to be gifted musically or athletically, that might be a part of your core purpose. If you’ve been shaped by trauma in some way—perhaps there is addiction, abandonment, or some other pain in your past—that will definitely impact how you see the world and may also shape how you choose to give back. If you tend to constantly have people over at your house, if your home is a rotating door for those in need of some temporary calm or longer-term respite, then perhaps some kind of radical hospitality might describe you. Dig deep here, and look at the evidence of your actions—the way in which your family fits into the world around you.

And second, where do you want to go?

A family purpose, or vision, is both aspirational and inspirational. In other words, it indicates not only who you are, but the types of things you want to continue to achieve and to offer to others. It also inspires you, or excites you to do the things you feel particularly suited to do in the world. If your family is particularly empathetic and good at listening to others, your core purpose might include something about offering compassion to those around you. Such a purpose aspires to continue in this gift, and also should inspire you to use your family gifts in a particular way. If your family is constantly opening its arms and home to those in need, you might include that in your family purpose. Chances are you’ll be even more aware or on the lookout for those needing that help.

These may sound like really challenging questions, but again, chances are you already kind of know who you are. Just like employees, and just like individuals, families are happier together when they understand their why. They see themselves as a team when they have a clear picture of their unique identity, their why, and what they have to offer to the world. They connect over their shared identity, and in working together to give back to those around them.