This past weekend, the U.S. marked the 20th anniversary of the attacks of September 11, which took the lives of almost 3,000 people and plunged the U.S. into two decades of warfare. And on this coming Tuesday, September 21, nations around the world will celebrate the U.N.-sanctioned International Day of Peace, which calls for a nonviolent day of strengthening and promoting the ideal of peace, including a ceasefire during any local conflicts. Physician and educator Maria Montessori had quite a lot to say about peace education. She believed that “Averting war is the work of politicians; establishing peace is the work of the educator.” But there is one other place that the education toward peace begins, and that is in the home.

Do you ever feel like no one in your family ever listens to you? It takes five tries for your kids to hear your request to come to dinner, and your spouse doesn’t remember being told that this Saturday is the cookout at the neighbors’ house. Heck, even the family dog just looks at you when you tell her to get off the couch.

It’s frustrating, right? Perhaps more than anything else, human beings want to be heard, because when people listen to us, we feel valued. But so often, we expect to be listened to without bothering to first listen. How do we reverse these negative patterns, and welcome in the kind of connection to our family that we so desperately crave?

Decades of research into parenting have demonstrated that authoritative parents—versus authoritarian or permissive—end up raising the most successful children. Authoritative parents are those who set limits, but use lots of love, kindness, respect, warmth, and communication in upholding those limits. Children raised in authoritative homes tend to become more autonomous, self-reliant, self-disciplined, and academically and socially successful. They are taught to be in touch with their emotions, to have a healthy respect for natural boundaries, and to take charge of their own behavior. Perhaps the most well respected source on authoritative parenting is Positive Discipline, by Dr. Jane Nelsen.