Positive Discipline Parenting
If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve blown it a time or two—or 100.
Let’s imagine what is, for many parents, one of the more fraught daily rituals: the bedtime routine. You’ve told your son that he has three minutes to finish playing, and then it is time for bed. “I mean it, Johnny,” you say in a forced-cheerful voice, through semi-clenched teeth. You hate bedtime; so does he.
The three minutes go by, and you return to find your son still playing. Now, you start to threaten. “Johnny, it is time to put your toys away and go get your pajamas on. I’m going to go finish the dishes, and by the time I return, I want you in your room.” You return to the kitchen, but you know how this will end.
In a few minutes, you go back to the playroom, and unsurprisingly, Johnny is still bent intently over his legos. Now, you feel fully justified in raising your voice to something approaching a yell. “Johnny! It is time for bed! Put that toy down this instant!” Johnny starts to wail, and you feel totally powerless. You walk over and pick him up under the armpits to set him on his feet. Now, he starts to yell and go limp, flop around, and tell you what a mean parent you are. You continue yelling and threatening down the hallway, and eventually, you get Johnny to bed.
Your short-term objective has been achieved, but you and Johnny both feel pretty awful. He feels disrespected, small, controlled, and unappreciated; and you feel powerless and angry. Furthermore, you know the whole thing will likely be worse tomorrow, because you will feel so badly about tonight that you’ll be extra gentle at first with Johnny. But your gentleness won’t be able to withstand the seething volcano within you, and you will end up being harsher tomorrow than you were tonight. Surely there’s a better way, right?
Decades of research demonstrate that authoritative parents raise the most successful children.
Authoritative parents are those who set limits, but use lots of love, kindness, respect, warmth, and communication in upholding those limits. In comparison, authoritarian parents demand blind obedience—“you will do this because I said so”—and permissive parents don’t enforce rules at all.
Children raised in authoritative homes tend to become more autonomous, self-reliant, self-disciplined, and academically and socially successful. They are taught to be in touch with their emotions, to have a healthy respect for natural boundaries, and to take charge of their own behavior.
Perhaps the most well-respected source on authoritative parenting is Positive Discipline, by Dr. Jane Nelsen. Nelsen, an expert in child development, highlights the difference between punishment and discipline.
The main goal of punishment is to get the child to behave—now. And it does work, in the short-term. The child often does comply. But the underlying problem leading to the disobedience is not addressed. The child feels controlled and misunderstood, and the parent most likely feels lousy. Instead, Nelsen advocates for positive discipline—neither control, nor permissiveness. Discipline focuses on the natural consequences of poor behavior.
There are five criteria to be met for discipline to be considered positive.
It is both kind and firm at the same time;
it appreciates the child’s innate desire for belonging and significance (Nelsen says misbehavior is generally the response to not feeling belonging and significance);
it aims at developing long-term good behavior, versus achieving short-term obedience;
it helps children learn social and life skills, like self-discipline, respectful listening, and better communication;
and it helps children develop a sense of their own capability.
“That’s all great,” you may think. “And I’m happy to work on developing those skills, But what do I do in the moment, when my child is acting out, and I’m about to blow it?”
There are a couple of tips to keep in mind here. First, consider offering your child a hug. It may sound odd, but Nelsen recommends it as one way to defuse the situation. “Johnny, this is really frustrating, isn’t it? Mommy could use a hug right now. Could you?”
Another idea is a time out—for both of you. It’s OK to communicate to your child that you’re about to lose your temper, and so you think it would be best if you both go to your rooms (or another, pre-designated space) and have some alone time. If your child refuses, that’s OK. You can still go to a space where you can shut the door. Letting your child cry or tantrum a bit while you regain your composure is far, far better than losing your temper. And chances are, if you use this technique enough, he or she will get used to the routine and be better able to understand that everyone feels strong emotions from time to time, and that the important thing is learning how to handle them.
One final tip is to defuse the situation by switching gears for a bit before you return to the issue at hand. Let’s say you’re in the middle of a struggle, both you and your child have dug in your heels, and you realize that the situation is heading the wrong direction quickly. Take a pause. Ask the child if he or she needs to get a snack. Invite your child to go change over the laundry or go for a short walk with you. Anything to get you both out of “do-or-die” mode. Again, it is far, far better to give a little ground—and get to a place where you can better focus on the big picture—than to get caught up in the fact that your child is defying your wishes and you’re angry about it.
Remember, as in any other relationship, the underlying key to a positive relationship with your children is a sense of mutual respect.
Respect your children enough to give your full attention to their complaints, listen to their objections, and problem-solve together. But respect yourself and them enough to establish clear boundaries, warmly but firmly communicate the natural consequences for violating those boundaries, and be consistent in upholding those consequences. Mutual respect and kindness can go a long, long way in developing the kind of behavior that will help your children become successful adults.