Family Teamwork

In 2002, organizational health leader Patrick Lencioni published his acclaimed The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. The book is written as a fable, a fictionalized account of a struggling Silicon Valley firm. The firm chooses an unexpected new CEO: the retired former manager of a traditional manufacturing firm. This new CEO transforms the company based on his knowledge of old-school teamwork. The book identifies the five dysfunctions, which are pyramidal in fashion—each one builds off the last.

Lencioni wrote for organizations, but his methodology is relevant for families. The family unit is one kind of team. Families have to lay the groundwork of healthy relationships before they can achieve their maximum potential; they have to address the five dysfunctions. 

So what are those dysfunctions? Lencioni identifies them as: 1) absence of trust; 2) fear of conflict; 3) lack of commitment; 4) avoidance of accountability; and 5) inattention to results. Let’s take them one by one.

First, absence of trust. You probably take trust for granted in your family. Of course you trust each other! You’re a family! But look a little closer, and you may recognize behaviors that are undermining your ability to trust each other. Researcher Dr. John Gottman identifies what he calls the “Four Horsemen,” four behaviors he observes to predict whether a couple will stay together or not, with over 90% reliability: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you think about it, every one of those is, at root, related to an absence of trust. Why do you criticize your spouse? Because at your core, you don’t trust his or her judgment, abilities, or heart. You assume the worst, instead of working toward the best. Why does one spouse get defensive? Because he or she doesn’t trust the other not to lash out in anger. Lencioni’s remedy for a lack of trust is for the leader of the team (in the family, the “team leaders” are typically the parents) to “be human.” Admit faults and limitations; own up when you need help. Admitting your own weaknesses allows your spouse to let down his or her guard, and not view you as a threat. These apply to children, too. Admit your own shortcomings to your children. They already know you have faults; you may as well own up to them!  

Second, fear of conflict. Most people don’t enjoy arguing, but a healthy degree of conflict is necessary in any team. How can you move forward, without figuring out the next steps? Lencioni says that “demanding debate” in a healthy way is the remedy for a fear of conflict. (Note that you can’t move forward to debate until you establish trust—why argue with someone you don’t trust?) Helpful here are the steps outlined in the bestselling book Crucial Conversations. The argument of Crucial Conversations is that every relationship is built upon foundational moments, the ones wherein you hash things out with the other person. The authors identify seven steps to have positive, healthy, respectful debate: start with the heart, stay in dialogue, make it safe, don’t get hooked by emotion, agree on a mutual purpose, separate facts from story, and agree on a clear action plan. These steps are a good start toward how to “demand debate” in a healthy way. 

Third, lack of commitment. By “commitment,” Lencioni means here commitment to tasks and ability to follow through. Without establishing a culture of trust, and building on this trust with lots of healthy debate, family members feel a lack of commitment to the family’s goals or tasks—and probably to each other as well. To remedy this, Lencioni suggests a focus on “clarity and closure.” In a family, this can manifest in various ways. Perhaps at the end of an argument, you summarize what happened. “So when I do X, it makes you feel Y. In future, I will do Z—and I need you to be honest and tell me if I start to do X again. How does that sound?” Clarity and closure may also apply to tasks, or goals. 

Fourth, avoidance of team accountability. When teams fail to commit to clarity and closure—when it remains unclear who is performing which task, and why—they also can’t hold each other accountable. Accountability is key to progress. The remedy for this dysfunction is to “confront difficult issues.” Tell your other family members when they’re not holding up their end of the bargain. And because you’ve already established trust, learned how to have healthy conflict, and committed to a plan together, you’re in a better position to be able to point out a gap in a kind and loving way. It is even easier to do this when you hold regular family meetings, wherein you draw up an agenda, and lay out a clear “to-do” list for the coming months (or week). 

And fifth, and finally, inattention to results. A family, just like any other kind of team, is results-driven. It feels good to get things done, to achieve new and exciting things on the way to reaching your goals and making your family’s vision a reality. The solution for this dysfunction is to focus on outcomes. A family that stays focused on the outcome understands that everyone in the family system succeeds best when the family itself achieves its vision. Staying focused on the outcomes is what will keep you purposeful, thriving, and working together. 

Lencioni aims his writing toward organizational leaders, the ones who are able to effect lasting change by their example. Your whole family can adopt this approach, but you and your partner are those leaders in your family. When you treat each other in such a way as to avoid the dysfunctions, you will also, naturally, build these lessons into the structure of your family. Treat each other with this kind of respect and accountability, treat your children this way, and watch your family team begin to operate like you’ve never before seen.

*For more research-backed tips on family teamwork, download the Create Connection Toolkit. FamilyWorks Members have instant access to the Toolkit, which includes tools and resources in these three areas:

• Communicate to Create Connection

• Managing Conflict Like a Pro

• Family Teamwork