Family Meetings
Every January 1, thousands of Americans set out looking for a fresh start in the New Year by establishing New Year’s Resolutions. This is the year, they decide, to lose the weight, get the promotion, connect more deeply with their spouse and children. But most of these fail—fast. Studies show that of those who make New Year’s resolutions, 80% will fail within 30 days, and only about 8% will actually see success. Whether making a bold New Year’s resolution or a more mundane goal, how can you ensure your family is among the 8%, and not the 80%?
Family meetings are the place to start. A study by the American Society of Training and Development found that simply committing to someone that you are going to do a specific task gives you a 65% chance of following through, and setting a regular appointment time with that person to work on the goal increases that chance to 95%. So if you want your family to begin realizing goals together, your first step is to establish a regular time to meet and check in about those goals. In fact, one study even found that a lack of joint-goal planning was a predictor of divorce. Those researchers summarized, “Lack of joint planning likely makes coordinating the partners’ actions more difficult, and likely results in more conflicts between the partners, less partner support for plans and decisions, and lower levels of goal progress. In existing research, these variables have already been linked to lower levels of relationship quality . . . ”
If you do it right, a family meeting can also be a fantastic way to increase your family’s sense of identity, purpose, and belonging, while you brainstorm together to find creative solutions to problems and plan how to achieve your mission and vision. Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of the book Positive Discipline, writes, “Family meetings can . . . be a successful method of enhancing family cooperation and closeness. They provide an opportunity to enhance family values and traditions.”
A specific example may be helpful here. Let’s say that in your family, you want to solve the problem of getting out of the house for school in the morning without chaos and yelling. There are lots of individual components to this problem—wake-up times, eating breakfast, getting dressed, gathering books and other school materials, etc. And one of your family’s top values is “kindness” . . . so all the yelling has got to go. You bring the problem to the table during a family meeting, and your family decides—together—that you all need better organization. Your elementary-aged children may decide that they will contribute by setting out their clothes and school bags the night before, and the parents might decide to prepare an easy breakfast in advance or at least plan out the week’s breakfasts in one sitting. You test out the new method for a week, and if problems arise, you refine the plan at the next week’s meeting. The result, hopefully, is better functioning as a family unit. Even more important, however, is your kids develop autonomy, problem-solving skills, and increased responsibility, and that you all grow closer.
So this year, start off the year right by committing to holding regular family meetings—and lay the groundwork for achieving your family’s goals together.