A Beginner’s Guide to Family Meetings
In the classic children’s book The Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room, the Berenstain Bears’ value of tidiness is on clear display. Their tree house is freshly painted, their yard is pretty and well-trimmed, and their kitchen is sparkling. But one area of the treehouse is anything but tidy—the cubs’ room. One day, Mama Bear, fed up with the constant mess, starts throwing the clutter into a huge box, headed for the trash. The cubs cry, Mama loses her temper, and Papa Bear hears the commotion from outside and heads up to the cubs’ room.
And does Papa also lose his temper? Does he start helping Mama Bear throw the mess into the trash? Does he turn around and head back to the toolshed? No. “Papa got Mama’s and the cubs’ attention and called a family meeting right then and there.” He patiently explains why the bear parents are so upset with the constant mess, and the family brainstorms a solution to the problem. Then, they all pitch in to create a neat, tidy space where Brother and Sister Bear can actually enjoy their toys, books, and collections.
It may be a children’s story, but The Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room offers two interesting lessons for families. First, the family has a clearly defined value of tidiness in their home. And second, they hold a family meeting to talk about their family value, and how best to live it.
On your family’s journey to forging a strong identity, both values and family meetings are key. That’s why when you first log into the FamilyWorks app, you select your top values and create a family crest.
The benefits of defining family values are numerous and include:
simplifying everyday decision-making because you’ve aligned around what’s important;
increasing feelings of family identity and a sense belonging;
increasing participation in family functions and routines;
building clarity when discussing decisions, goals, and consequences;
building a happier, healthier, more productive, and more hopeful family.
The next step you’ll take is to hold a family meeting to select your top family values.
“A family meeting?” you may be thinking. “That sounds unnecessarily formal, boring, and difficult.” But the importance of family meetings is simply too great to ignore. Without meetings, your family doesn’t have the opportunity to align around what’s most important or most urgent, what needs doing right now and what can wait. Without meetings, you either won’t get anything done together, or you will spin your wheels trying to accomplish all sorts of things that don’t add up to what you really want for your family. Meetings give your family a place to figure out what’s most important, and to hear each other’s opinions and feelings. Jane Nelsen, the author of Positive Discipline, also highlights the importance of family meetings in giving children a voice to discuss their concerns and desires.
So take the next step toward forging a strong family identity, and call your first family meeting!
Below are some tips to get you started.
If you’re new to family meetings, start slow! Meet, ask everyone to share one great thing and one not-so-great thing that happened during the week, and then adjourn. Next, try asking everyone to contribute one value they feel is important to the family. Build from there.
Meet around a table, instead of sitting on the couch. It helps everyone to stay focused, but also puts everyone on an equal footing.
Establish ground rules, such as no interruptions and no put-downs. For families with young children, have a “talking stick” or other object to pass around. Only the person holding the talking stick gets to talk. Let your kids take turns picking the talking object—it can be a toy, kitchen utensil, or just about anything!
Practice mutual respect by taking your kids’ suggestions seriously, even if they don’t mean them that way. When you ask for an idea for the day’s activity, and one child says something goofy like “I like cheeseburgers,” take them up on the challenge and see if it’s possible to make or get burgers for lunch. Your children will learn that their contributions are valued, and participate more eagerly.
Do something fun! Get donuts for the meeting. (They do it in workplaces!) Or go to your family’s favorite coffee shop. Plan an activity for afterward that you all enjoy—a hike, a visit to a nearby zoo or other attraction. Anything to help your family start seeing meetings as fun places to connect, and not mere work.
Don’t get discouraged if it takes a few tries to really get into your groove.
Your young kids may be off-the-wall crazy, or your teens may roll their eyes. But if you consistently emphasize the importance of the family meeting, show mutual respect and affection, and keep it fun, your family will eventually come around. And just like The Berenstain Bears, you can use family meetings to plan, problem-solve, and reinforce your family’s top values on a consistent basis.